I told Harvie he could DHL the new passport to me in Ireland. "You're not allowed by law to do that," another examiner snapped. Harvie was muttering under his breath, the way an anarchist does when plotting crimes "Tell you what," he said. "I'll pick it up first thing in the morning and try to reach you before you leave for Heathrow.And at 8am, there he was in his bicycle clips, holding out a brand new passport I raced for the airport. A call to the foreign desk of the paper and a fax arrived at the passport office in three minutes All well and good, my examiner said But the set of passport pictures I had brought didn't fit. "The passport office need new pictures again."Now for a word I don't usually use on the comment page Aaaaaagh! Back to the passport office.
The earlier pictures were too blurry, something my examiner had failed to spot when she accepted them earlier Of course they were too blurry. Back to the examiner - a woman this time - who promised me a new passport one hour before I had to set off for Oxford and then to Heathrow for the European part of my book launch It was around midday that The Independent phoned me. "Put your head in the bloody doorway and tell me what my image looks like on the screen before I throw the money in," I pleaded Four more flashes "See you again soon," the machine snarled at me I kicked it.Back to the examiner Yes, all's well. And with my spectacles, of course, the glass would reflect on my eyes again I grabbed Harvie. Because without my spectacles I couldn't see the bloody screen. "See you again soon," the voice announced again, just a little bit nastier in tone.
I went round the shelves like an animal to find the smallest and cheapest item, seizing a chocolate mousse and heading back to the cash desk.I pounded back to the photo machine at the passport office, chucked the chocolate mousse at Harvie (he doesn't eat chocolate), shoved another £3.50 into the slot, tore off my glasses and stared sightlessly at the screen. In future, every Arab visa officer would now demand that I take my glasses off when I approached their desks. And I no longer had the right £3.50 in change for the machine. So I ran round to Victoria Station, barged into Marks and Spencer and asked them to break a £10 note for me No luck I would have to buy something to get the change.
